Tomorrow I'm off to RWA's national conference in Orlando. I'm packed, kids are taken care of, and now I'm just waiting.
I've been waiting a lot lately. Problem is when I wait, I tend to hold on tight and it's hard to let go.
Between being nominated for the Golden Heart award (the Romance Writer's of America highest award for unpublished authors--for which I'm grateful and still a bit stunned), waiting for a series of medical test results, and praying about my husband's next career move, it seems that no matter what's happening, there's a wait involved.
The problem is, I hate to wait. I'm not patient. I'm a control freak. And I like action. Which means that long periods of inaction make me crazy. The situations in my life right now mean that even a simple decision such as Should I buy school supplies for the fall because I might move? Or will I even be able to sell the house? And if I do, what what should I do about my garden? To add mums or not add mums? That is the question.
I know that most things on my mental list are not that important, but the fear they cause is real. Because in the silence of the wait, fear grows steady and sure, with fangs and claws. From the inside, first it tears up your stomach, then steals your sleep, finding it's ultimate goal in monstrous migraines.
A few weeks ago, while battling this monster, my CP reminded me that this time and place of waiting isn't a penance to be endured until the next part of my life begins. That even in the waiting, I have a choice. I could wait passively, letting circumstances--and fear--devour me until I'm quivering in the corner. Or I could wait actively.
History happens between the cracks of men's dreams and the reality of their actions. The world's greatest and worst accomplishments have been counted and catalogued through the centuries, but real people lived real lives between great wars, fearful plagues, and difficult monarchs. And through it all, people still managed to live their lives with all the joy and suffering that comes with the human experience.
Even some of the most memorable stories of the bible--Moses, Jonah, Advent, Lent, the days between the Passion, the Resurrection and Pentecost--describe intense moments of active waiting. And all of these events took place in the dark or in isolation. This reminds me that transformation--which is the necessary precursor to change--is not only painful, but needs time. Time to purify, teach, and be heard.
So, while I'm waiting for the awards ceremony on Saturday night, my goal for the next few days at the RWA conference is to live like this:
To seek out life, with all its changes and uncertainty, in full flight with arms wide open.
Thanks to my CP I'm reminded of the truth. I must continue to work during the waiting, stay firm in my goals, dreams, and discipline. I must wait in full flight with my arms open wide.
How will you wait?